Living in China is weird sometimes, as a foreigner. Especially if you get out of the city, you're sort of like a D-List celebrity, or at least, a person of interest. I've accepted it, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the attention a little bit. It doesn't happen too much in Shanghai, but it did in a big way today.

School goes back to in-person classes next week, and I thought I should relish my free-ish time to get things done during the week I had been planning on doing. One of those is a trip to the dentist for a cleaning and checkup, because it's probably been a year plus. I went on this Chinese app called Meituan, which is sort of like this shopping app that does a million other things, such as this Groupon-but-more-classy feature. There was a clinic just down the road offering a whole "spa" plus tooth cleaning package for $20, but it was on super duper sale for $10.

Yes America, $10. You don't have to take out a second mortgage to get your teeth cleaned.

But honestly, $10 is a pretty good deal for Shanghai. I would expect closer to $20, $30. So I called them up and made an appointment a few days later. That night, Ella and I went out to meet some folks, and we happened to pass by where I thought the clinic was.

Turns out that clinic is not the one on the app, the address was just a little further. No worries. We walk another 100 steps, and I realize the address is in an apartment block. We're at building 20, and the clinic is building 60.

So now I'm seeing why this is so cheap. Mr. Yang is running a dentist's office out of his kitchen. With encouragement from Ella, I went to cancel, hoping to keep all of my kidneys. But before I did, I thought it might be interesting to see the reviews. And the reviews and photos showed this amazingly posh place. I'm thinking "Are these fake?" But then, I see a photo from outside, showing a cluster of buildings next to a mall across the street. Turns out this address covers the whole block. Addresses in China, man. This is why people don't use mail here.

So, now knowing this place was a little more legit, I stuck with it. Having visited... three dentists in China before, I've found that the offices are usually very nice. Certainly much nicer than in the states. They sort of look like the lobby of a hotel, or maybe a nice car dealership. Anyway, I arrive, and the three very pretty receptionists stand up and ask me if I am Mike. I say yes. And they turn to each other and say, "See, he is a foreigner!" They have me fill out the paperwork, which is a challenge of my Chinese ability but fortunately isn't anything too complex. They were very interested in watching me write, said how my writing was very cute, and how it was interesting I write with my left hand. Then they take it away, giggling the whole time.

So I meet the dentist. She asks me in English if I am Mike. I said yes. She's struggling with her language, asking how are you, please sit down, etc.. The receptionists are standing in the doorway watching, and after a while said "He can speak Chinese." So she asked me in Chinese, "Can you speak Chinese?" I said yes. Then she yelled at the receptionists and kicked them out for making her speak English all this time. They went away, laughing. Ohhh, office shenanigans.

Anyway, the dentist is doing her thing, and I've noticed in China they usually give you like this towel, blindfold thing to cover your eyes from the light. So I'm sitting there, getting my teeth worked on, when I hear the receptionists come back in. They're whispering, but I can make out them saying something about my eyes. Then suddenly one of them lifts up the corner of my blindfold, I guess expecting me to not notice? But when I obviously do and open my eyes, she drops it really quickly and runs away, saying how my eyes are green.

Honestly the whole cleaning took like 15 minutes, the dentist was great. And that was it. I rinsed out my mouth, she took me to the front, and I got my invoice. The girls told me bye bye, but then, THEN, the head dentist came rushing out, a woman probably around 50 years old. She asked if I could come with her for a minute, saying something about taking a photo? I awkwardly said "Sure", and then she took me back to the X-Ray machine.

Ohhh. Not a photo of me. Of my teeth.

So they do that, and then she beckons me to come around to the computer. She starts pointing to each of my teeth, saying what they are in Chinese, and giving me the weirdest damn language lesson I've ever had. But along the way, she kept saying how good everything looks. So, props to my childhood dentist Dr. Halpin, apparently you did a great job.

But this rollercoaster of weird wasn't over yet. She asked me to come with her, and she took me to other rooms, WHERE PATIENTS WERE BEING WORKED ON, and told them to stop and look at my teeth on the computer. Wtf? So then she pointed out to the junior dentists how my teeth were this way and that way, which I'm sure the Chinese patients just loved to hear all about, with all the tubes and metal just chilling in their mouth. After stopping several people in the hallway, and telling them about how I'm the foreigner that has good teeth, she released me from this awkward and bizarre encounter - but not before insisting we add each other as friends on social media.

Then on the way home, the local fruit shop had a new kitten I got to pet. Only in China, man. Only in China.