Hey there.

So, been a long time. I want to explain what's been going on with me for the past 3 months. Unfortunately it is something I am not happy about, so we're going to keep this one low-key. No photos, no social media sharing. But I need to write it somewhere, so here it is.

I have been doing the final module of the Cambridge Delta. I've mentioned it many times on this blog before, but basically it's a big teaching certification Ella and I started about 4 years ago. Fortunately it comes in parts, and I finished the last part just recently (well, I think I did anyway. We'll need to wait a few months for the final result, but even a fail means I just need to re-do one task). I'm going to write a whole entry sometime later on the process for people in the "industry" so to speak, but this is more of a personal take (spoiler alert - I have a pretty low opinion of it).

Something about this final module that the other two don't have is that it is a more traditional school experience. You have weekly classes with homework, of sorts. In comparison, the other two were a large test you cram for, and a big research paper to write. But those are entirely on your own time. Additionally, the other thing that is different from this part and the others is that it is a lot of work.

A.

lot.

of.

work.

I mean, the others weren't nothing. But I felt they were achievable. For this one, I did the less intensive, "part time" schedule for people who also have a job. I would say that was a giant mistake on me, but really it's a giant mistake on THEM. Because you cannot accomplish this on a regular work schedule, unless you're A) So qualified and knowledgeable you don't need this cert anyway, or B) Your job has an incredible amount of free time, like working a night shift desk or something. Now, despite my job being very chill in comparison to any full time job ever in the US, there was nowhere near enough time to do everything.

This was uncomfortable for me, to say the least. I am not a procrastinator. I hate to be late for anything. Heck, if I'm more than 10 minutes late to meet friends I feel like I've betrayed them. So I've kind of structured my life around doing things as early as possible to never get in that situation. So then I get this course, which requires me to write a research-heavy background paper, a very detailed and technical lesson plan, and to prepare to teach a class on it. Overall, probably about 30 pages together. Also you have one week to do it, keeping in mind your entire Sunday is taken up by classes.

Yeah. It sucks.

Thankfully that is not every week, but that is the timeframe you have. And this does not mention the mountain of other work you have on top of that. Again, this is the PART TIME pace. Full time is double that. So consequently, in those 3 months, I saw my friends 3 times. My life was going to work, coming home, working until I slept, and every weekend, working nonstop. My only source of entertainment was browsing Reddit during the taxi ride to work, and watching TV when eating dinner. And I really mean that. There was no "squeeze in an hour for a game", or "grab one drink Saturday night". There was really nothing. Ella basically took care of all the daily house stuff, and helped where she could. Even we didn't really have any time to speak for that time. As you can imagine, this did WONDERS for my mental health.

By wonders, I mean it was terrible.

I commented to Ella during one of my many, many mental breakdowns, that this was the low point in my life. And I absolutely believe that. Somewhere mid September to mid October, I was the most unhappy I have ever been. It sounds weird to type that out. But it's true. Certainly there have been times where I was more unhappy, but they were for a much shorter period. In terms of counting up the misery scale of my life, Sept and Oct 2022 will forever be up there as a time as a terrible time I will never want to visit again.

And perhaps you, reading this, will think "C'mon, it couldn't have been that bad." or "Okay, you're being over dramatic, it's just an online course". I hear you. I would think the same. But I know how I felt. And if there is any silver lining to this whole program, I learned a lot about how my brain works. First, it does not do well with tight deadlines. However it is more complicated than that. I have definitely missed deadlines before, like at work for example. Although this usually is a conversation with the boss that goes like "Look, I'm sorry. We just can't accomplish this in the time allowed. We need a Plan B" And, in my mind, I don't "care" about work. I do of course, but I know that as long as I'm trying, things will be okay. Or if not, my position is incredibly in demand, so no problem. For this program though, it's all me. Now, more than ever, I know that I never want to be the boss of something. I need some downtime, and if that means I make less money in life, so be it. I'd rather be poorer and happy than rich and miserable.

Second, is that this is almost assuredly where my professional development ends. Partially because Delta is really, just about the highest you can go in the English teaching world. I mean, I have never met anyone else in this field who has done it. But also, because I am not cut out to be a student anymore. I'm not sure how much of this is Cambridge's completely insane requirements of writing and in general, how they go about things. But I find navigating the instructions, research, writing, and just the whole process, incredibly frustrating. And it becomes more frustrating the older I get. Perhaps I will consider some other professional development, but it will be much lower stakes and on a short timeframe. And almost certainly not with Cambridge.

Third. And this is a big one. I think how we talk about mental health has been a "kidding, maybe not kidding" sort of thing. Like, "Oh yeah, I have crippling anxiety, haha." And it is hard to tell if this is just people putting themself down for a laugh, or if they really mean it. I think it's unfortunate that that's become the way we talk about things. Because as for me, I've been incredibly lucky to never have mental health issues until now. So I was completely unequipped to handle it. That means when people, even my instructors and classmates asked me "Hey how's it going?" in a "hello" kind of way, I was straight up honest. I'd say I was doing terribly because xyz. Based on the surprised looks, I think this definitely bucked some social norms. Is this a good strategy to speak to people? I have no idea, it's new to me. However, in the future, if people do a "kidding not kidding" answer, I think it would be a good idea to keep the mood light, but follow up with a "Okay seriously though, are you okay?"

So, yeah, lessons learned. I guess if I look at this experience as "You learned more about yourself, and to be more empathetic", it sounds like a good deal. However the amount of suffering I had to go through to get there was... terrible, to say the least. But really, I did not get through it. Ella pulled me through it. You know when people give acceptance speeches or whatever, and say "I couldn't have done this without my wife/husband"? Maybe they're just saying it to be nice. But if they are sincere, this is the first time I really understand what they mean. Ella did everything for us, because I did not have the time or mental capacity to. I know she suffered as well, to have to pick up the slack for her husband, who, despite his unbelievable effort, was still falling short. Her love and support was unbelievably valuable, and this whole experience brought us closer together than ever before. I can never thank her enough.

That being said, let's never do this again.