Living in China is weird sometimes, as a foreigner. Especially if you get out of the city, you're sort of like a D-List celebrity, or at least, a person of interest. I've accepted it, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the attention a little bit. It doesn't happen too much in Shanghai, but it did in a big way today.

School goes back to in-person classes next week, and I thought I should relish my free-ish time to get things done during the week I had been planning on doing. One of those is a trip to the dentist for a cleaning and checkup, because it's probably been a year plus. I went on this Chinese app called Meituan, which is sort of like this shopping app that does a million other things, such as this Groupon-but-more-classy feature. There was a clinic just down the road offering a whole "spa" plus tooth cleaning package for $20, but it was on super duper sale for $10.

Yes America, $10. You don't have to take out a second mortgage to get your teeth cleaned.

But honestly, $10 is a pretty good deal for Shanghai. I would expect closer to $20, $30. So I called them up and made an appointment a few days later. That night, Ella and I went out to meet some folks, and we happened to pass by where I thought the clinic was.

Turns out that clinic is not the one on the app, the address was just a little further. No worries. We walk another 100 steps, and I realize the address is in an apartment block. We're at building 20, and the clinic is building 60.

So now I'm seeing why this is so cheap. Mr. Yang is running a dentist's office out of his kitchen. With encouragement from Ella, I went to cancel, hoping to keep all of my kidneys. But before I did, I thought it might be interesting to see the reviews. And the reviews and photos showed this amazingly posh place. I'm thinking "Are these fake?" But then, I see a photo from outside, showing a cluster of buildings next to a mall across the street. Turns out this address covers the whole block. Addresses in China, man. This is why people don't use mail here.

So, now knowing this place was a little more legit, I stuck with it. Having visited... three dentists in China before, I've found that the offices are usually very nice. Certainly much nicer than in the states. They sort of look like the lobby of a hotel, or maybe a nice car dealership. Anyway, I arrive, and the three very pretty receptionists stand up and ask me if I am Mike. I say yes. And they turn to each other and say, "See, he is a foreigner!" They have me fill out the paperwork, which is a challenge of my Chinese ability but fortunately isn't anything too complex. They were very interested in watching me write, said how my writing was very cute, and how it was interesting I write with my left hand. Then they take it away, giggling the whole time.

So I meet the dentist. She asks me in English if I am Mike. I said yes. She's struggling with her language, asking how are you, please sit down, etc.. The receptionists are standing in the doorway watching, and after a while said "He can speak Chinese." So she asked me in Chinese, "Can you speak Chinese?" I said yes. Then she yelled at the receptionists and kicked them out for making her speak English all this time. They went away, laughing. Ohhh, office shenanigans.

Anyway, the dentist is doing her thing, and I've noticed in China they usually give you like this towel, blindfold thing to cover your eyes from the light. So I'm sitting there, getting my teeth worked on, when I hear the receptionists come back in. They're whispering, but I can make out them saying something about my eyes. Then suddenly one of them lifts up the corner of my blindfold, I guess expecting me to not notice? But when I obviously do and open my eyes, she drops it really quickly and runs away, saying how my eyes are green.

Honestly the whole cleaning took like 15 minutes, the dentist was great. And that was it. I rinsed out my mouth, she took me to the front, and I got my invoice. The girls told me bye bye, but then, THEN, the head dentist came rushing out, a woman probably around 50 years old. She asked if I could come with her for a minute, saying something about taking a photo? I awkwardly said "Sure", and then she took me back to the X-Ray machine.

Ohhh. Not a photo of me. Of my teeth.

So they do that, and then she beckons me to come around to the computer. She starts pointing to each of my teeth, saying what they are in Chinese, and giving me the weirdest damn language lesson I've ever had. But along the way, she kept saying how good everything looks. So, props to my childhood dentist Dr. Halpin, apparently you did a great job.

But this rollercoaster of weird wasn't over yet. She asked me to come with her, and she took me to other rooms, WHERE PATIENTS WERE BEING WORKED ON, and told them to stop and look at my teeth on the computer. Wtf? So then she pointed out to the junior dentists how my teeth were this way and that way, which I'm sure the Chinese patients just loved to hear all about, with all the tubes and metal just chilling in their mouth. After stopping several people in the hallway, and telling them about how I'm the foreigner that has good teeth, she released me from this awkward and bizarre encounter - but not before insisting we add each other as friends on social media.

Then on the way home, the local fruit shop had a new kitten I got to pet. Only in China, man. Only in China.

Did you know when I started this blog, I would write every day? Now it's been about 3 months since my last entry. And I've thought about writing something for a while, but frankly I just didn't know what to say. While I didn't want to force myself to write, at the same time, I didn't just want this 3 month gap in my life that was just lost to history. Usually I've written about memorable things, places I visited, things I did, my thoughts, ya know... a journal. But life has been really, really chill and uneventful on a personal level since we got back from vacation. That's because there's really only one elephant in the room that's on everyone's mind right now, the one thing that is causing most of the world to just stay put.

Of course, I'm talking about how Lao Gan Ma (老干妈) sauce is sweeping the world right now, as everyone discovers the amazingly complex smoky yet spicy flavors they give to dishes, elevating them into a Guizhou culinary delight.

In truth, I never really loved Lao Gan Ma, despite it being a fixture on the table at several restaurants. It's sort of like Sriracha sauce in the US. No it's not in 100% of the places, and sure I know it, I know what it does, but it's not usually my thing. But after having two, count 'em, TWO friends message me about it, and seeing it pop up on my Google News feed of all places, I knew the hype was real. I dunno, give it a try if you're in an Asian grocery store, or if it's become hip enough that places like Walmart or Kroger carry it now. It's one of those "goes on near everything" type of sauces if you like a little extra kick. Maybe don't put it on bananas. I don't think that would work, but hey, who knows?

In truth I've become pretty familiar with Chinese cooking over the past few months, because I've had time to do that. Turns out, the secret ingredient - Shaoxing rice wine. Add like, a quarter cup to whatever, let it burn off, and it makes things taste awesome. It does not taste as great straight, let me assure you. It would have to be an apocalyptic booze shortage for me to drink that. Anywho, we've pretty much avoided takeout, helped in part by the amazing vegetable shop just outside our place that has like, the cheapest vegetables anywhere. They don't have everything, because it's the size of a bedroom. But walking out with bags and bags of stuff and dropping $3 is pretty awesome. They also recently started carrying eggs and whatever fruit is in season, so, big fan of that place. There's also another shop nearby that sells nuts, grains, and other dry stuff by weight, so you can get a pile of rice for almost nothing. That leaves pretty much just meat and other misc. stuff, which we've recently done to buying online. It's about the same price as going to the store, and they deliver it crazy fast. Like, "30 minutes after ordering it" fast. I'm trying to stay humble and not let how amazingly convenient life is go to my head, because I'm sure at some point I'll have to live without it. But hopefully not.

Business up top, fun on the bottom.

In the last entry, I said how I would say something about teaching online, since I've been doing that as my full time gig for the past few months. It seems appropriate for me to talk about that now, since it is sadly coming to an end in June. While schools have already begun as of 2, 3 weeks ago, they held off Grades 1-3 because... well I don't actually know. I assume that they want to be really sure all of the cleaning measures are in place and 100% working before the little ones show up, because they are a force of chaos that cannot be trusted. But as a Grade 1 teacher, I'm more than happy to continue working in my pajamas every day. Around the internets I see people complaining about teaching online. Maybe in the US it sucks, but oh man, I love it. It has its downsides. Lack of social interaction with coworkers. I miss some of the kids. But the pros far outweigh the cons. You know classroom management? Naughty kids? I don't anymore. One of them starts to get annoying, boom, 'ya muted for a few minutes. And maybe because they're stuck at home, not with their friends, they're really excited to come to class. They like to talk and show off, and if it's in English, oh well. It gives them a chance to interact nonetheless. Personally I feel my kids have improved much more in the past few months teaching online than they did in class. I wonder if 20 years from now, online teaching will really begin replacing classroom teaching. In a way I hope so, that way some kid from rural Cambodia can have the same education as someone from Finland. But at the same time, some of the social element may be lost. I don't know the solution, but here and now, I think teaching online is the way to go.

As to how it works, we use a Chinese app called CCTalk that is pretty great. The only thing I don't like about it is that the students can't use their camera, but I can use mine. It has what you expect, I can share my screen, use PPTs, even stream video. And while I can't turn on their camera, I can turn on their microphone. Occasionally I find a kid (or their grandparents) watching TV, or eating, but overall I can't complain. Especially because then I get to tease them about it.

In other professional news, Ella got a job. This is a pretty new thing at the time of writing, teaching ESL and English Lit at a high school. We're hoping to hear back in just a few days about a better job for her next semester. In the meantime, two months of pay is two months of pay, plus it's a reason to get out of the house and not let her skills get rusty. She also is diving into getting her American Teaching License, with two tests coming up soon. For me, I just finished a research paper for part 2 of 3 for a teaching certification, ideally the last one I will do since there's not really any one higher than this for ESL unless you go for a PhD. There was a lot of overlap with my Master's Thesis, so I found myself referencing that a lot and thinking "Wow, I could write really well." Then I look back at my current one, and think "Wow, I could be an idiot." It was a frustrating time, taking me hours to write a paragraph. I'm just not sure I can be a student anymore. But after periodic pushes and advice from Ella, it's done, and hopefully good enough to pass.

Now at this point, I could just wrap it up and call it a day. But I would be remiss if I didn't talk about what our life looks like right now, which unfortunately means despite my best efforts I can't avoid talking about COVID-19 any longer. It sounds weird to type this, because life in China is nothing like this anymore. But for sake of... "rememberingness", it sort of looked like this:

• Arrive in airport. Everyone is wearing a clean suit. Fill out an extra health declaration card. Get your temperature checked a billion times.
• Wear a mask when outdoors at all time, no arguments. One because it's nice to do, and two because it's the law.
• When arriving at your apartment, all but one of the entrances is blocked. You'll register, and quarantine for 14 days. You can order things online, and they'll be put on a table outside for you to collect. After your quarantine you'll get a pass to let you come and go.
• Temperature checks everywhere. You can't go in and out of a building without being checked.
• Things like masks and sanitizer are rationed. You get them through your apartment management. (though we didn't, because we brought a bunch back)
• Pharmacies stop selling fever reducing medicines without prescription, so you cannot hide your symptoms.
• Many places require you to write your name, phone number, and check in/out time in case someone is later diagnosed. Your metro card/QR code scan on your phone does the same thing for public transport.

Tables to deliver stuff, without entering the compound.

Now, things changed after we went through this. First of all, they got more serious about quarantine. One of our friends even had a camera installed outside his door. You may have seen a viral video/talk online about them sealing shut doors to apartment buildings. Which is true, but obviously that wasn't the only door in or out... because honestly, what if there was a fire or emergency? That's just stupid.

The other thing they got more serious about is that everyone gets tested on arrival from the airport now. You are not released until you are, and it takes a few hours. (So hey, if you're in the US and can't get tested, consider flying to China and then getting deported?) Then you get put in a quarantine hotel for two weeks, or get to self-quarantine at home (I've heard both, maybe it's by province). Unless of course you test positive, and then you get sent to a COVID-19 clinic. BUT NOW, all foreigners are not allowed, period, to enter China. Which means I'm a special unicorn. And I have some stranded coworkers, unfortunately, who I don't know if I'll ever see again. Also, did I mention I can pull up a map and see where all COVID-19 cases are in the city? That's pretty cool. At the time of writing there are... 18 cases in Shanghai. I can imagine people in America's nose bleeding at how much of an invasion of privacy this is. But in this situation, I am all for it. In fact, this video sums up what life used to be like.

But things are much different now. There have been no "wild" cases in weeks (months?) now, so life is back to normal. Shanghai recently said masks are no longer required except on public transport. Still, probably 99/100 people wear them all the time. And our phone has a health code on it, I assume based on GPS/what towers you connect to. Sometimes you need to show you're clear before entering places. And that's really about it. Everything is open, running, and A-OK. And credit where credit is due, after a somewhat rocky start China has been beyond amazing at handling things. Yes the rocky start shouldn't have happened after SARS, but hey, they're doing a great job presently.

The most fun of the past three months.

Which, man, is this blog turning into a "Hey, rest of the world, quick question - wtf?" Because that's what I feel like. There are some countries that have an attitude of "Yes we didn't take it seriously enough, we learned our lesson now." Or "We have been taking it seriously and will continue to do so." Then you have the US, who are divided into "Oh god, someone please take this seriously." and "This is a hoax orchestrated by the 5G Chemtrail Illuminati."

I kid. But I think people who say "Just stay home." might as well say "Just don't be poor." I consider myself very fortunate to have a job I can do at home, whereas many don't have that option, and are queue number of 2 million at the unemployment office. (Which, hey, if they're so overwhelmed, maybe they could hire some of those folks to help process unemployment.) And I'm all for making fun of people who think it's their god given right to get a haircut. But as seems to be happening more and more in the US, it seems to be a choice of #1 or #2. And if you say "Have you considered #1.5?" you're suddenly the crazy one. I've written about this a few times now, maybe I need to make another blog to keep my "happy crazy Asia funtimes" and "has America lost its mind?" lives separate. But just as much as I put stock in other peoples' opinions, I have a feeling they'll put an equal amount in mine.

Which is just a little sprinkling of Lao Gan Ma on top.