I was coming back to Taiwan from The Philippines, waiting in the Manila Airport, and an Australian guy sitting next to me started up a conversation. This is awesome. Every Australian I have ever met has been a ton of fun. He was not fun. He went on to brag about how much money he spent in The Philippines eating western food, doing typical western tourist things you can do everywhere, and saying borderline racist things about the locals. When I countered with... well, the opposite of all of that, he seemed a bit annoyed, and told me how I am wasting my time traveling on a small budget and doing these silly things. I have never forgotten about Asshole Australian Guy (AAG), because at the time I thought "Hm, this guy is kind of an asshole." And then later, I felt pity: for one, that he felt the need to flex on a random stranger, and two, that despite going to The Philippines, I don't think he ever really experienced it. But AAG underscores a point I have seen, unfortunately, much too often during my time abroad. There are expats who want the country to be something it's not, are not willing to find out, and are not happy about it.
And this puzzles me, to be honest. What a boring world it would be if every country was the same! Why go visit or live somewhere different if you don't want it to be different? It's an old adage, but you are welcome to leave whenever you like - especially as an Expat English teacher. Guys, we have so many opportunities throughout the world, it's insane. I feel very lucky to be sure, but I could literally hop on a plane to another country today (Ella willing) and be fine. But still, others remain, and just gradually complain more and more until they do a midnight run. If only there was some way to know when the desk next to you will mysteriously be empty the next day! Well, I am proud to unveil The Expat Corollary of Bitterness:
T = se - c
Where "T" is the amount of time they will spend in the country, "s" is their stubbornness, "e" is the ease of maintaining their old life in their new country, and "c" is the current situation in their home country.
It's the ideal formula for all your expat assessment needs. Let's take for example Colleague A, who has tried in vain to find a decent BBQ restaurant, which is a key part of their identity. However they have picked up a bit of the local language to help fit in, likes their job, is dating a local who is way out of their league, and the situation in their home country is not so great. Plugging in the numbers, they will remain for exactly 1735.56 kilomoments.
Then let's look at Colleague B. Colleague B is from a rich family who wanted an easy job, but realized that being completely unqualified except for being foreign does not mean you get the best positions. Meanwhile, all the deodorant is weird, chopsticks befuddle them, and they say "I just don't understand why X people do Y" on a daily basis. They will stay in the country for 489.12 'shakes-of-a-lambs-tail' (add 36 if the Starbucks across the street finishes construction).
I hereby release this formula into the public domain, for the betterment of all expats worldwide. Try it out if you're an admin, a local dating an expat, or just wondering if your friend is ever going to pay you back that 100 kuai you lent him.
