Pattaya is really NSFW. Actually it's just "NS". Which, it really confused me why I saw so many Russian families on vacation there. I saw the same in Phuket - what is it with Russian families visiting the most family-unfriendly places in Thailand? I suppose though, by the time a Russian child has entered his/her teens, there's not much left in the world that could phase them.

So off Tommo and I went to Pattaya for the weekend... a sort of farewell, I suppose. We stayed in his regular, a hotel that was themed in Bugs Bunny and other Warner Brothers characters. Completely licensed, I'm sure. It was a nice enough place, but I liked their breakfast most of all. Proper, black, filtered coffee. Oh my god! Unless I make it at home, getting real black coffee is not possible in Thailand. It's always Americano, which is OK, but it could be better.

We got in pretty late the first night, and headed straight out to the bars to watch the football match. It was a bit of an interesting Pattaya primer - while we're watching the game at a roadside bar, there's ladyboys in various levels of undress parading behind us, children walking up to your knee with a sad look on their face, and people wanting to sell you sunglasses at midnight. You know, standard Thailand. But, way to go Germany.

After, we went to the (in)famous Walking Street. Essentially it's exactly that, a road on the coastline that closes to traffic at night, and is full of various sorts of bars, go go clubs, you name it. We stopped into The Walking Street Bar, which Tommo said made a proper mixed drink. He's not wrong, the LIT was quite strong, and completely uncharacteristic of the watered down stuff you usually come across in Thailand. After taking a stroll around the bar, I realized that I am the youngest person here by quite some margin. And I'm apparently 30 now, so that felt odd. Eventually I did find someone else, a student in her mid 20s and her friend. We all stuck out like sore thumbs. After chatting for a bit I walked down Walking Street for another drink, Tommo seemingly vanishing. I got a beer at another bar, and went to 7 to buy some water. I saw 2 Thai guys fighting for unknown reason, and it ended when one put his hands on his thighs as if to hurl. He didn't, and they went their separate directions without a word. That is my new defense strategy. If some guy ever gives me trouble, I'm going to put up a finger, crouch, and start dry heaving. 60% of the time, it should work every time.



Next day, I didn't crawl out of bed until 1. Fortunately the hotel serves breakfast all day - hooray! I decided to check out the town of this crazy place I am apparently staying at. I walked down towards the beach, and one thing about Pattaya - the food is pretty good and diverse. Completely uncharacteristic of other Thai cities which have generic Thai food after generic Thai food, and due to the expat population Pattaya is filled with an array of Indian, German, Italian, you name it kind of restaurants. What is it with westerners, that we're the only ones who like variety in styles of cuisine? I mean, yes you can get it in Asia, but its usually few and far between - which means the price is high and quality low. But, every city of 10,000 people or more in the States will have an Italian restaurant, Chinese restaurant, etc. Don't you guys get bored of rice or noodles?

Anyway, back to Pattaya. I cut through Central to see the beach. It's... fine. Nothing to write home about (Ha!), but it's very crowded, filled with hawkers, and people who refuse to believe they are 60. I thought Patong beach in Phuket was nicer, and that's saying extremely little. I heard Pattaya was once a lively, beautiful beach town back in the day. That day seems to be very far away.

Not the guy - but you get the idea

I had a massive burrito for lunch, and then for dinner Tommo and I went to get Tex Mex. Yessss! 3 Mexican meals in 2 weeks? I'm down. But first, we each had a carafe of wine from the hotel. You can apparently get wine by the carafe. It's only 200 baht. Cheap red, but not terrible. The enchiladas were great, and a good start to the 2nd night of nonsense. This time, it was to a go go bar just a little off of Walking Street. They had a show that involved this girl dancing around with a snake, and some sort of weird audience participation. But the real star was this guy who was upstairs, and decided he's going to make it rain 20 baht notes. Then he slid down the pole onto the stage, the whole time wearing the Borat-style underwear. And boom, just as quickly as he appeared, rich Thai exhibitionist Borat vanished.



Because Thailand.





Eventually Tommo and I split ways, and I had a drink at another place nearby. I talked to a Thai bar girl with surprisingly good English, and who has probably traveled more than I have. She told me about her boyfriend in Sweden, life in Pattaya, and was quite good at holding a conversation - and she was very upfront she was not for sale. Which sounds like it's strange, but in Pattaya, it's not. I really enjoyed talking to her, as she was very frank about her job and the kind of people that come here.

 
The next morning I had another burrito (god, Mexican food!), and walked around town for a bit, shaking off my hangover. I wanted to get something spicy for lunch, and I got some Tikka Masala from a small joint. Oh my god. This was the spiciest thing I have eaten in my life. My sinuses kicked into overdrive, and every part of me that could exude a liquid began to on full throttle. After a milkshake back at the hotel, our driver showed up to take us back to Bangkok. And that was the end of my crazy Pattaya weekend.

With Pattaya down, I'm really running low on places I still want to get to in Thailand. I'm glad I did go with someone, as I think I would have been quite bored wandering around on my own. But Pattaya is a strange bird in general. It's a weird cross between the sin of Las Vegas, and a Florida retirement community. I saw maaaaybe 5 people that were my age in that city, and honestly they could have been older than me. Outside of Russian children, I did not see a single young person. It was filled with western men, usually in their 40s, 50s, or 60s, who still believed they were in their 20s. Most had Thai girls around their arm 10 years their junior, and were wearing shirts that showed off the muscles they used to have. While there were some younger girls there, 90% were far too old, and I didn't really feel I could connect with someone old enough to be my dad... or mom. But I suppose when I get to be that age, Pattaya could be the place to go - somewhere you can feel young again, because at 40 years old, you're still a spring chicken.