Compared to the week before, last weekend was considerably more chill. One thing to note though, is that I found Hardees in Bangkok. It's almost exactly like Hardees at home, except next to the soda fountain is a beer tap. So, I'm just going to let that magic sink in for a moment. But also, family members should not read this blog. One for the NSFW stuff. Two for all the animals that could have killed me but didn't.

After an exhausting week 3 of my CELTA, all I wanted to do was to sit down and watch a boatload of TV on Friday. So that is exactly what I did, for a few hours at least. Then I had to start on more homework, and spent the rest of Friday working. Saturday fortunately, was a little more fun. I saw Terminal 21, which is a mall designed like an airport. I'm not really a mall person, but of all the malls I've seen in the world, this one is my favorite. They have pilots salute you when you come in, the escalators are "Departures" and "Arrivals", and each floor is themed after a certain part of the world. I thought Rome was really cool, with pillars and marble statues. So after coffee, dinner, and some end of night beer, that was about it. Then Sunday was more work. I am officially an old person.

OR SO I THOUGHT. The next weekend marked the end of our CELTA course, 1 day early thankfully enough. We had a big party with all the students and I got a chance to try the local brand, Pizza Company pizza. I've heard from a lot of people it's crap, but honestly it's not bad pizza. I mean, the mayonnaise, fruit, and shrimp one is pretty weird, but the less insane toppings are pretty solid. I had 9 slices, because there's no way I will ever pay their prices as advertised. Who the hell pays $9 US for a "medium", which is slightly smaller than a "small" in the states? Pizza in Asia, man. It should be illegal to charge what they do. After the class and I went out for some beers. And this is where things get hazy! At some point I wound back up at Muang Thong Thani, at classmate Andrew's house. There was more of that magical soda water whiskey hybrid, and I woke up sharing a bed with a dog and a large sleeping man. So, that was fun. After stumbling home I realized I still had the whole day, so I went to see the snake farm.

Turns out the Snake Farm is dope. This place is actually a division of the Thai Red Cross, and they have all these snakes to make anti-venom. So they start the show, and are like, "Ok, here's a King Cobra!" <toss in front of the audience> "BTW don't move cause that's how they choose to hunt." I mean, if there was ever a way to keep an audience in line, that would be it. Then the handler locked eyes and paced around the cobra about 3 feet from my face. It kept snapping and lunging, which was exciting to say the least. After that the process repeated with vipers, pythons, and other things that could kill me. But in the end I got to have a python around my neck while it's eyes said "Yes, you will be delicious". I have the utmost respect for pythons now. Holding this thing, it was just solid muscle. Super dense. Amazing animals.

Anyway for dinner we went out to Chinatown. By "we" I mean two people I ran into at the hostel, Jacques and Hannah. Honestly I was just going out for dinner, and that's pretty much all we did. I was actually a bit surprised that even in Chinatown, most of the stores are run by Thais that only speak survival Chinese. I was hoping to rub elbows more. Anyway, the food was good, and then this is where the blog becomes NSFW and family members should stop reading.

The other thing on the agenda for the evening was a ping pong show. So just to come right out and say it, a ping pong show is where strippers put ping pong balls and who knows what else into their vaginas and shoot them at stuff. I have heard they are... interesting. I have also heard that every single one is a total scam and to never go there. But I figured, okay, there's 3 of us. Maybe things'll work out. Things did not exactly work out.

So we get to one of the many, many classy establishments. And they do the show. It involved more than ping pong balls. Also lit cigarettes, transferring contents of one bottle to another, razor blades, and balloons. It was something I will remember for the rest of my life in all the wrong ways. There was another foreign couple there, and when they went to pay there was clearly an argument ensuing. At this point we knew there would be trouble for us. We were quoted outside that drinks are 200 baht, and the show was included. Given the fact that most beers are 50 baht, this seemed reasonablish. Before we went to pay, I looked up the number of the police. And we made sure we had the exact amount. So we went to face the music, and they gave us a bill for 8000 baht. Because each person had to pay a "viewing fee" and a "bar entrance fee" and other nonsense.

I want to give a giant shout out to Jacques, because I don't know if we would've gotten out of there as we did. He went straight into "I am going to fight everyone at this bar" mode. Slammed his fist down on the table, said "Are you fucking kidding me?" and challenged the woman to a fight. I was partly in awe, as the whole day he's been a super chill guy. And I knew he was going to turn it up, but I didn't expect it to go up to 11. Anyway, as he is ready to do battle with strippers, I step back and dial the police. The boss sees me, and by the time I get someone on the line, he just says "OK fine, forget about it", and let us leave for the original quoted price. And that was my night. Certainly one I will remember for the rest of my life.

And now we come to Saturday. I went to Nong Nooch Garden. An odd place, it's a 3-4 hour train ride from Bangkok. But, the Thailand Rail Company basically does a day trip, package tour type thing there. All inclusive travel, admission, and a pretty kickass buffet lunch. And what is Nong Nooch? I mean, there is a garden but there's more too it than that. It's an eclectic mix of temples, hedge mazes, cactus nursery, animal statues, aquarium, zoo, and variety show.

So when you get there, there's this Disney Land kind of open air bus to the hedge mazes. And then, you can take some photos at the nursery before seeing the variety show. I don't really know what was going on, except there was a mock muay thai fight, dancers, music, and then some swords that made really huge sparks and when they smacked them together. After the show, I turned a corner and I was face to face with a tiger.

So after a trip to the restroom to clean myself up, I see that you can get a photo with the tiger for 100 baht. That's a little over $3. Yup, doing that. Got to hug a tiger. Like the python, I have the utmost respect for this animal. Holy crap. It was like several hundred pounds of furry killing machine. Then I turned another corner and saw a small Asian woman being held by a trunk in an elephant's mouth.

Yup, doing that.

So I got to have two elephants wrap their trunks and pick me up like a swing. Then another wrapped his trunk around me and put me in his mouth. Then he scratched my head. After, the elephants did a show. They rode bikes, painted pictures, played football, played bowling, stepped over a line of people laying down, and gave one a "massage" by stepping on him. After the show, there was a buffet lunch where I went nuts on the green curry. After a long break of walking around the place, the train went to a floating market. I've always wanted to do one, but this one was pretty unimpressive. However, one thing about this market underscores how much Thailand really sets out to scam tourists. There is a ticket office to get into this market. This ticket office is not affiliated with the floating market. It's literally, a building built in front of the turnstyles. The tickets they sell are bogus. Nobody cares. Their sole purpose is to scam tourists. Why the police don't shut them down? Because Thailand. They've probably been there 10 years. Ugh. I hate/love it.

And that was it. A several hour train ride back marked the end of my strange, strange day.

After a chill last weekend, Bangkok is back in full force.

Working ahead paid off, as on Friday we were to discuss our writing assignment and finish up another few odds and ends. However, since I already did the assignment, I got the go ahead to take the day off. That was much appreciated, as this program is so fracking intense. As I talked about last week, I pretty much am either working, or sleeping, and... that's it, aside from weekends. And even on weekends I need to catch up on homework. Ugh.

So for more fun things, on Friday I went to Ayutthaya, which used to be the old capital of Thailand (Siam). It's about an hour and some change north of the city, but I feel that trip could be 1/2 the time if it went through Bangkok at a decent speed. I'm sure there's some reason it goes 5 kph until it leaves the city proper, but it seemed like a waste of time. After arriving, I stopped into a bar to rent a bike for the day. I would very much regret this decision.

I first rode to the Floating Market and Elephant Village, which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in my life. It was too early in the day though, and was just a few shops without much of interest. Except for the elephants. I was walking around, thinking "Where are the damn elephants", when suddenly I turn a corner and I'm face to face with one. I mean, I've seen elephants before, but I've never actually been all up in one's face... err, trunk. I was eating an ice cream, which he seemed quite interested in. Next to him was his owner, who would let you feed him cucumbers and plantains. I've heard the elephants in Thailand are sometimes not treated well, and you should avoid patronizing "tourist elephants". But at the same time, I was like "Damn, when's the next time am I going to hang out with an elephant?" Also it was really fun to hold out a bunch of plantains, he would just grab them out of your hand with his trunk, and boom. The entire bunch, gone in one bite.

Back on the road, I stopped at Wat Phanan Cheong. Yes, this is a Wat and I said no more Wats. HOWEVER, it also has the largest buddha in the world. Let it be known I am a big sucker for "The world's blankiest blank". Anyway, this buddha is damn big. But it's also in a room not much bigger than itself, so it's quite difficult to get a good picture. On the way out I stopped to get a drink from the vendors. They had bottles of Pepsi there for 10 baht. So I hold out a 10 coin, they look at me, and say "No no, 12 baht." I point out the 10 price tag, and they say no no. Ugh. If there was no price tag, I would probably have just paid the 12 and gone on my way. But the fact that they are clearly upcharging me, just because I'm a foreigner, pissed me off. I tossed the drink on the counter, gave him a rude look, and stormed off. Asshole. I don't think your buddha would like what you're doing. I bought another drink down the road. Actually, at the Japanese Village. It was a nice little stop off for the air conditioning, but didn't have anything to do except watch a 10 minute video on how this used to be settlement.

And here is where my day got very interesting. I realize now the map I use did not maintain the same scale throughout, because they wanted to keep everything compact. So I'm biking along, thinking "God, where is this place?" I see a fancy looking building up ahead, and stop to check. There's a family out in front of their house, and I ask if this is Bang Pa In. They said no, its 4 km down the road.

Shit.


Do I just go back? I'm kind of halfway inbetween? Before I can decide, he invites me to sit down and get some water. I'm joking around with his son, when I notice he has a motorcycle with an ice cream thing on the side. I ask my new friend, Tiger, how about for 100 baht, he takes me there and back, saving me 8 km of biking and god knows how much sweat and time. He agrees, and then son hops on back of the bike. I'm wondering where to sit. Why, on the ice cream of course! This was perhaps the most comfortable ride of my life, as my ass got to be quite chilly. We stop to get gas on the way, and I offered to buy the kid some candy. We went inside, and I gestured that he could get whatever he wanted. I could tell he wanted the expensive Japanese candy, but was hesitant to ask. I picked it up, and gave it a thumbs up, thumbs down. He smiled and took it. For the rest of the day, he just kept touching and looking at the box. I bet Tiger made him save it for his brothers and sisters. Tiger was wondering where my hat was, and I said I didn't have one. He gave me his spare, which is why I looked like a cowboy.

So we get to Bang Pa In, and in the parking lot there a lots of buses and groups of Chinese tourists milling towards the entrance. Well screw that. Tiger charged right through the middle of them, playing his ice cream music. Meanwhile, this stupid foreigner in a cowboy hat is hanging off the side of the cart, singing along to Pop goes the Weasel, waving, and shouting "Ni hao!" What a sight that must've been. The palace itself is very impressive, and took about an hour to see everything. When I got back, Tiger was there waiting for me, selling ice cream. His son was sitting in the shade, just looking at the box of candy. Back we went, retrieved my bike, and I realized it was already 5 o'clock. Pretty much everything closes at night, so I figured, it's not even worth going into the city. So I decided to wait to do that another time and headed back.






After grabbing dinner and coming back to the hostel, I met my new roommates. Mike (good name), and John are travelling together after having met 2 days prior. That's the amazing thing about backpackers - you can meet someone, and boom, suddenly you're best friends for the next few days. They had never been to Khao San Road, so we went out there to drink. We found a club there, which was pretty crazy. While I was walking through the crowd this guy randomly smiled and gave me a bear hug, and said how cool Russians were. I had not spoken to this guy before. I don't know who is he. Later I find out he's from Georgia. But he, for some reason, decided I was Russian. He went on for a while how much fun he had in Russia, how I must like to live there so much, and by the time I was able to get in a word in, I decided it would be too much effort to correct him.

"Da. So, you like Russia, yes?"

He went on another Russian love rant to me, until he excused himself. He gave me another giant hug, picking me off the ground, and suddenly disappeared. I just stood there in bewilderment for a moment. Ah well. We went back to the hostel, and I had to wake up the next day for another crazy time.

One of my classmates in the CELTA program has lived in Bangkok a while, and does Muay Thai. He invited us along to a class with him. So we got put through the beginners Muay Thai lesson. You know how in Bangkok, hangovers have hangovers and sweat sweats? In Muay Thai, my muscle aches have aches. I feel like I've been hit like a bus, hence why I'm staying in this Sunday. But something I do like about Muay Thai, is that from day one you're doing useful stuff. I learned proper form for punches, kicks, and movement - which I can't imagine ever coming into play (I hope), but I did feel that even after a couple of hours I could handle myself a bit better. Not that I'm stupid enough to say "I took one Muay Thai Lesson, I am now a swirling force of destruction.", but I could see myself continuing it if I stay here. After we all had lunch at a Mexican place, which honestly, is probably the best Mexican food I've ever had. And after that, we stopped off at a convenience store for a plethora of various drinks. These were combined into a sort of whiskey concoction that tasted just like carbonated water but had around 30% alcohol content. Amazing. I must remember this.


The last thing on the day was a run out to Muang Thong Tani, a district to the north of Bangkok. We were going for a football (soccer) match between the local team and some other bunch of losers. It ended in a tie, which was a little anticlimactic. But holy crap. Thais really, really like football. Everyone had the team jersey on, and when a goal was scored, went absolutely ballistic. I don't like how far away this stadium is, but I wouldn't mind adopting a team closer and following them on a more regular basis. The enthusiasm they have for it is infectious. Being the only foreigners there, we got asked for a lot of pictures. Ahh, I've missed being the token white person.

Now we come to Sunday, and I refuse to leave this hostel except for food. I have a giant bruise on my leg, and my arms are so sore they're hard to lift. However, if anyone here tries anything... I would still hide like a little girl.