Singapore is basically Disney World. It's like Walt Disney actually made Epcot. Everything just *works*. It's designed to move people from place to place as efficiently as possible, while providing them as much entertainment as possible. It's SimCity come to life, and I love being a part of it. So far I haven't seen any rough around the edges parts, everything is immaculately maintained. The people are perhaps less friendly than in Ipoh, but they are very polite and considerate. It's like the city of my dreams minus the high cost of living.


Anyway, what have Heather and I been doing? After arriving, we went to the MRT only to realize we have no money. So I skipped off to find an ATM, which was right around the corner and not the godamn opposite side of the planet, MALAYSIA. Put my US card in, immediately spit out a receipt that said "CARD CAPTURED". Well shit. Later I called my bank and sorted it out, they have to send me a new one. Fortunately, I still have my Thai bank card so I got cash. I don't get ATM fee refunds on that one though. Grrrrrr.

I know the cheapest hostels in any city are usually in Chinatown and Singapore is no exception. We found a tiny, 8 person dorm the size of a closet for $14 a night. I can't speak for Heather but I like the small space. Plus we are literally in the heart of Chinatown, right outside the door is the market.

We set out to first get some lunch, some Chinese dishes for about 3 Singapore dollars. That's around $2.30 US, so not bad. Singapore has some cheap food, you just need to hunt for a bit. Or live in Chinatown. We didn't have much time left in the day, but one of the first things I like to do in a new country is to visit their National Museum. Singapore's regular permanent exhibit was undergoing maintenance, so they apologized and offered a temporary one. Singapore's temporary exhibit was far beyond any other country's permanent exhibit, detailing Singapore's history with interactive consoles, Instagram hashtags, and QR codes. Jesus Christ it's like I'm 10 years in the future, 20 ahead of Bangkok. After we looked at their memorial to Lee Kuan Yew. He was the father of Singapore, and honestly a father to every citizen it seems. Anyway he very recently died. I've read a bit about him, but he really seemed to be a good statesman who had the political power to do things and who happened to not be a selfish asshole. He transformed Singapore from some little fishing village to Epcot in a generation, so apparently he was doing something right.

We were going to walk to see Merlion, this fountain of a lion mermaid that for some reason Singapore has decided is their mascot. On the way we saw a restaurant with $20 free flow wine. And thus our evening stopped for 2 hours while we did our best to make every cent of that $20 worth it.

Now with no sunlight or sobriety, we still set out to see Merlion. On the way we passed a McDonalds, and I desperately needed a McChicken and a toilet. Meanwhile, Heather talked to damn near every person in the restaurant. We finally reached Merlion, but the pictures only turned out soso. Who knew 8 glasses of wine doesn't turn you into a master photographer?

The next morning we woke up a bit late. The first stop was literally a stones throw from the hostel, Buddha's Tooth Temple. Apparently after seeing that, his hair in Myanmar, and toe in Bangkok, I'm on some messed up Buddha Pokémon body part adventure.

We did some shopping at Chinatown, then set off to meet my coworker in Bangkok for lunch. His wife works here, so he pops down a few times a month, and I figured he'd be a good person to tell us what to do. He showed us this really cool street market, as well as the Arab district. After though, was the real treat. We went to Raffles, a five star hotel that was so nice it made me uncomfortable. But it has a bar called the Long Bar, who invented the now famous Singapore Sling. Heather and I shared one, and even divided in half it is the most expensive cocktail I've ever had, around $18 each. So, umm... did that. Begrudgingly. It was pretty tasty though.

We did a little more shopping and headed down to meet Troy and his wife for dinner, at a place called Jamie's. Apparently Jamie means celebrity chef Jamie Oliver, who nobody had heard of except me apparently. At $18 ($15 US) for a meal he could charge a lot more given his status. The food was pretty good but I preferred the $3 Chinatown street food from the day before.

The last stop of the evening was Sentosa island, to see The Wings of Time, a multimedia show I thought looked cool. If Singapore is Epcot, Sentosa is where Epcot goes on vacation. An island full of glitzy casinos, resorts, attractions, and Universal Studios. And ATMs that dispense gold bars.

Really.

The show itself was impressive, they projected stuff onto water and smoke, along with a lot of lasers and fire. I'll throw up a clip I recorded to give you an idea, it was pretty cool.

The next day we went to see a museum I really wanted to check out, the Singapore City Gallery. Basically a dealie about how Singapore was built, and the plan for 10 years and 50 years. Everything was interactive and ripped out of Star Trek, with panels you activate by putting your palm on them, and touchscreens that would be at home in Minority Report. Heather and I tried to cooperate on building Singapore Sim City style. It went... okay.

After we walked back to Merlion to get some actual, decent photos. I guess because it's so close to the sea, but despite being closer to the equator, Singapore is a lot cooler than Bangkok. So walking was actually a nice change. After the Merlion photos, we went to Espalande Mall for lunch, and more importantly, to see the largest fountain in the world. Yesssss! A worlds blankiest blank! The Fountain of Wealth is a testament to just that. Also you're apparently supposed to get rich by walking around the middle part 3 times. Some little girl tried to splash her friend and got me instead, and it was ON. Girl please I survived Songkran 2014, you don't come into my house and start a water fight.

Now a bit wet, we went out to the Botanical Gardens. It was a garden. It was pretty. They even had some... cranes? I don't know, like a big duck that's not some asshole goose. Unfortunately we had to run back to get Heather's bag and then to the airport. Of course, Changi Airport is incredibly efficient. We checked in, went through customs, security, and arrived at the gate within 10 minutes. I stopped at 7-11 inside to pick up a few things, and the clerk asked for my passport and boarding pass. This was a bit shocking, as I thought maybe purchasing a chocolate bar at an airport violated one of Singapore's million rules. Turns out it was because I purchased kaya, a coconut butter type of thing they put on their toast. Apparently that's a liquid, so it was placed in a tamper proof bag. Jeez Singapore, you're serious about your kaya.

At the gate, they do something pretty cool. Instead of checking all the passports as you walk to the plane, they wall off the gate and check them as you enter the area. Then when the plane is ready, everyone just walks on. It was one of the fastest boarding processes I've seen. Why doesn't everyone do that? But then again, that question is applicable to almost everything Singapore does. This city makes sense. It's an amazing model of efficiency that the world would do well to emulate. I love it here, and I'll be back.

Maybe I'm beating a dead horse, but Malaysia, bar none, has the fewest ATMs in the world. I don't know why in very poor places like Laos I can't walk more than 20 meters before tripping on an ATM, but to find one in Malaysia practically takes an act of god. I thought this was a shopping town. Do street vendors take credit cards and I just don't know it?

Anyway after much struggle I did find one, which included asking a lot of confused people. In one of the largest malls in the country, there was one ATM tucked back near the toilets. So odd.

I took the monorail to KL Central to get the commuter train out to Batu Caves. It's pretty cool they have caves on a metro line. The statue and entrance were quite impressive, but the interior and the shrine there were meh. On the way out I saw tours for "The Dark Cave", which sounded better. This was my favorite cave so far in Malaysia, because true to its namesake it's dark. When the flashlights were off, you could see absolutely 0. Our guide was quite funny, and made a lot of Star Trek references. He also said that almost every animal is unique to this place, including some gecko that was just discovered last year. Great experience overall.

Taking the train back, I looked online for anything at all that interested me, and came up totally blank. So after arriving at Central I got a coffee and people watched for a bit. I do really like KL Central Station, it's just a giant hub of activity and really is central - every possible form of transportation the city has terminates there.

After dinner, I went back to the hostel to socialize and drink the evening away with expensive beer. Actually the hostel has a pretty good deal, 6 ringgit on cans of Carlsberg. They're 8.4 at 7-11, so I'm not sure how they arranged that deal.

The next morning Heather had arrived, so we set out out to do the few cool things KL had to offer, and I deliberately avoided doing. First was Instana Negara. No, not "Instant Nevada", autocorrect.

Instana Negara was the Sultan's? King's? Royal Palace until the early 2000s. Now a museum, it's surprisingly low key, and much less opulent than Thailand's. To be honest the bedrooms were pretty... not good? Seems more like an old hotel from the 50s. They did have some really amazing bathrooms though, and it's own dedicated dentist's office. It's not exactly a place with 1000 rooms, so there are a lot of thing's I'd consider putting in my palace before a dentist's office. Guess the king or queen liked clean teeth.

Next was Tian Hou Temple, a pretty Chinese temple. It was pretty. We had lunch there and chilled out in the garden, complete with animals from the Chinese zodiac. We took a brief stop at the Planetarium I went to a few days ago, mostly for the free water and AC. Pressing on, The National Masque. A very impressive sea of white marble, stained glass, and fountains, it was really nice. They kindly entertained by stupid questions, and Heather had to wear the full on garb with the hair cover thingy. She looked like a nun, or a Tellatuby.

Nearby was Chinatown, so that's always an interesting place. Sort of. Despite KLs Chinese heritage, Chinatown is pretty small. I guess that makes sense, KL itself is a Chinatown. But yeah, really small. All selling the same phone cases, small electronics, you know the drill. Surprisingly not much food this time, but maybe because it was only 5 o'clock or so.

Grabbing the LRT, we went to KLCC, aka the Twin Towers Station. There were two guys in the station covering Beatles songs, and they were pretty good. They said they were from Taiwan, so I had to give them money. They didn't look Chinese though, probably of Hakka descent. After dinner we arrived by the twin towers at the perfect time. Just before sunset, we got to see them during the day and night. Even the 2nd time they're just as amazing. Probably the most beautiful buildings in the world, in my opinion.

We went back to Times Square, because I wanted to do pick up some things, and Heather wanted to do the indoor rollercoaster. Which, "indoor rollercoaster" are two words I'm glad I can legitimately use. It's up there with combos like "Bacon buffet" or "Free LEGOs".

And that's all for KL! It's... well it's one of the least interesting capitals I've ever visited. I suppose it has more to do than Vientiane, but Vientiane is about 1/20th the size. It seems designed for people not like me. Still, it was great to see! Here's hoping Singapore has a bit more to offer!